Why do some people say that life is like a watermelon?

Because just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it might suddenly split open and surprise you. And if you’re not careful, you might end up asking, “Why did it have to be me that got dropped?”

—

Did you know that some folks believe that time is a thief?

Well, I once met a clock that was so good at stealing time, it could make a 25-year-old look like an antique ready for auction. But when I asked it why it couldn’t steal away the moments of nervousness when going to work or getting married, it just kept ticking away, as if it had all the time in the world.

—

Have you heard about the man who was so stressed from his job that he thought about switching to a life of crime?

He figured that in prison, at least he wouldn’t have to work overtime, and he’d have plenty of time to exercise. But when he got hit by a car on his way to commit the crime, he realized that all he really needed was a glass of fresh milk to calm his nerves and mend his bones. After all, who needs a doctor when you’ve got calcium on your side?