A man once asked his dog why it always barks at the mailman. The dog replied, “I’m just trying to warn him about the dangers of a sedentary lifestyle. He’s out here every day, rain or shine, but never seems to get any exercise beyond walking!”

A woman was complaining about her husband’s snoring, saying it was so loud it could wake the dead. Her friend suggested she try earplugs, but she refused, saying, “If his snoring can wake the dead, imagine what those earplugs could do to me!”

I once met a man who claimed he could speak to plants. I asked him what they said, and he told me, “They’re always complaining about how humans treat them like second-class citizens. They want equal rights, just like animals!”

A friend told me about his new job, where he has to sit in a cubicle all day, staring at a computer screen. I told him it sounded like a prison sentence, but he disagreed, saying, “At least in prison, they let you out for good behavior!”

I heard about a guy who was so lazy, he refused to get out of bed even when his house was on fire. When asked why, he said, “I figured if I stay in bed long enough, the firefighters will come and carry me out. It’s like a free Uber!”