A man once asked me if he should invest all his money in the stock market. I told him, “Well, if you want to play Russian roulette, why not use a real gun? At least it’s quicker and you won’t have to watch your life savings vanish into thin air.”

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I saw a turtle crossing the street and thought to myself, “Wow, this guy sure is taking his time. If he were a human, he’d be the kind of person who shows up to their own funeral late.”

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My friend told me he was struggling to lose weight. I said, “You know, if you were a building, you’d be a skyscraper. But don’t worry, you can always start by taking the stairs instead of the elevator.”

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I heard about a guy who got arrested for stealing bread. I thought, “If he were a bird, he’d be a robin hood. Too bad he can’t fly away from his problems.”

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Someone asked me if I believed in love at first sight. I replied, “Well, if love were a book, I’d definitely judge it by its cover. But then again, some of the best stories have the most boring covers.”