My neighbor’s dog barks louder than a stadium full of fans whenever someone walks by. I asked him if he could teach the dog to bark in a whisper, you know, like a secret agent dog. He laughed and said the dog was just practicing its role as the neighborhood’s alert system. I told him I’d prefer if the dog used Morse code instead; at least then, it’d be a silent alarm.

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I once met a man who claimed he was so good at chess that he could play blindfolded. I asked if he ever tried playing with his eyes closed and his ears plugged. He said that would be impossible. I replied, “Exactly, just like trying to understand why some people think pineapple belongs on pizza.”

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My friend told me he was going on a diet to lose weight. I suggested he try carrying a grand piano everywhere he goes. He looked confused, so I explained that the piano would help him burn calories, and if he ever got hungry, he could always play a tune to distract himself from eating.

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I heard someone say that money can’t buy happiness. I disagree. If money can’t buy happiness, then why do people smile so much when they find a dollar on the ground? It’s like discovering a tiny piece of joy in the cracks of the sidewalk.