Why do birds break up?

Because they just couldn’t make it tweet.

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I asked my friend if he believed in ghosts. He said no, but he’s been haunted by his ex’s memory for years. I guess some spirits are just too real.

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My car told me it was tired of being driven around in circles. I said, “Well, at least you’re not a hamster!”

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I heard that exercise can lead to a longer life. But so can sitting on the couch eating pizza. I mean, they both end in death, so why rush it with a jog?

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When you’re young, you’re told to study hard to get a good job. When you’re old, you’re told to save hard to enjoy retirement. But in the middle, you’re just trying to survive the daily grind. It’s like life is a sandwich, and we’re all just hoping for a tasty filling.

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I met a statue in a park, and it was so lifelike, I asked it out for coffee. It didn’t respond, but I think it was just playing hard to stone.

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My friend got a paper cut, so I rushed to help. I handed him a band-aid and a cookie. After all, a sweet treat can heal any wound, right?

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Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing.