Why did the cheetah apply for a desk job?

It was tired of being spotted in the office and wanted to blend in with the cubicles. The cheetah thought, “If I sit still long enough, maybe they’ll think I’m just a really fast stapler.”

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I asked my friend if he thought reincarnation was real. He said, “Of course! I used to be a tree in my past life. It’s why I’m outstanding in my field now.” I laughed and said, “Well, I must have been a rock because I’m always getting stoned.”

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The other day, my alarm clock had the audacity to scream at me. I yelled back, “Why are you always so mad at me? I didn’t set you to wake up this early!” The clock replied, “I’m not mad, I’m just ticked off because you keep hitting snooze on life.”

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My doctor told me I needed to start exercising more. I told him, “Doc, I already run a marathon every day… a mental marathon. That’s why my brain is so buff, but my body is more like a noodle.”

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I heard that the Earth got a new job as a model. It said, “I’m perfect for the role. I’ve got layers, I’m always spinning, and I can rock any look from ice caps to deserts.” I guess it’s true what they say, beauty is only crust deep.

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When I was a kid, I thought clouds were just giant cotton balls in the sky. Now that I’m older, I realize they’re actually just giant cotton balls in the sky… but with a PhD in meteorological arts.

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My car broke down on the highway, so I called a tow truck. When it arrived, the driver said, “Looks like your car’s been through a lot.” I replied, “Yeah, it’s been through more tolls than a bridge operator.”