A man once complained to his friend, “My wife says I’m too selfish in bed.” His friend replied, “Well, at least you’re not selfish everywhere else, like the sun, which selfishly keeps all the light to itself and only shares it during the day.”

I told my doctor I was feeling down because my dreams of being a professional athlete were shattered. He suggested I take up knitting instead. “It’s less competitive,” he said, “and you won’t feel the pressure of losing, just the warmth of the sweaters you’ll make.”

Someone asked me if I thought robots would take over the world. I said, “Nah, they’re too busy trying to understand human emotions. They’ll probably start a support group for confused toasters before they conquer us.”

My neighbor’s dog barks all night, so I asked him if he could do something about it. He said, “Sure, I’ll teach him to bark during the day instead. That way, he can enjoy the sunshine while he’s at it.”

I heard that in some cultures, people believe that the Earth rests on the back of a giant turtle. I wonder if that turtle ever gets tired and decides to take a vacation, leaving the Earth to float aimlessly through space until it gets back.