Someone asked me if I believe in love at first sight. I said, “Of course not. I believe in lust at first sight, but love? That’s like expecting a seed to grow into a tree overnight. It needs time, care, and a lot of manure from both sides.”

I once saw a couple arguing in the street. The woman was furious, yelling at the top of her lungs. I looked at the man and said, “Buddy, you must have swallowed a megaphone for breakfast. How else could you stand there and take all that noise without running away?” He just shrugged and said, “I’m used to it. Her voice is my lullaby.”

They say money can’t buy happiness. But have you ever seen anyone frown while holding a million dollars? Sure, money can’t buy happiness directly, but it sure can rent it for a while. And who needs to own happiness when you can just keep renting it month after month?

I met a guy who claimed he was a vegetarian because he loved animals. I asked him, “Do you cry when you uproot a carrot from the ground? Because they scream in pain too, just not loud enough for you to hear.” He looked at me like I was crazy and walked away. I guess his love for animals is selective, just like my love for vegetables – I love them, but only when they’re on my plate.

A friend told me her marriage was falling apart. I said, “Don’t worry, it’s just like a house. When the foundation cracks, you call a plumber, not a divorce lawyer. Maybe your pipes are just clogged with too many unsaid words. Let it flow, and everything will be fine.” She laughed and said she’d try that before hiring a plumber to fix her husband.