Why did the calendar go on a diet?

It wanted to lose a few weeks, but it ended up shedding months! It asked the clock, “Why can you lose seconds so easily, yet I struggle with days?” The clock replied, “Maybe because I run in circles, and you just stand there, flipping pages!”

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I met a man who claimed he was allergic to money. I asked him how he knew, and he said every time he touched it, it disappeared. I told him to try a home remedy—rub some dirt on it. Maybe then, the money allergy wouldn’t be so bad, and it’d stick around longer!

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My friend said he lost his voice, so I told him to look under the couch. He found it, but it was hoarse and tired. It begged, “Why did you abandon me there? The dust bunnies were relentless!” I replied, “Well, at least you weren’t lost in the crowd at a rock concert.”

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Some say that climbing Mount Everest is the ultimate test of human endurance. But have you tried waiting in line at the DMV? At least on Everest, the view is breathtaking, not your patience.

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I heard someone say that love is blind. I disagree. Love is more like a chameleon—it changes colors depending on the situation. One day it’s red-hot passion, the next it’s the cool blue of indifference. But no matter the color, it always leaves a mark.

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The other day, I saw a tree arguing with a lawnmower. The tree said, “You always cut me down to size!” The lawnmower retorted, “At least I don’t leave you hanging in suspense like those leaves you drop every fall!” I stepped in and said, “Guys, can’t we all just photosynthesis and make peace?”