A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “What’s the secret to a long and happy marriage?” The bartender replied, “It’s simple, just treat your spouse like you treat your smartphone. Always keep them charged, never let them get too far away, and if they start acting up, just restart them.”

I once had a pet rock that I named “Responsibility.” I would take it for walks, feed it imaginary food, and even scold it when it misbehaved. One day, Responsibility ran away from home, and I realized that it was the most irresponsible thing I had ever done.

They say that the world’s population is growing at an alarming rate, but I think it’s just the earth trying to keep up with the number of reality TV shows. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if the earth decided to have its own reality show called “Planet Earth: The Untold Drama.”

I was walking down the street when I saw a group of pigeons gathered around a piece of bread. I couldn’t help but think that they were having their own version of a potluck dinner. I wonder if they ever argue about who brought the best dish or if they all just agree that the bread is the star of the show.

I went to the doctor the other day, and he told me that I needed to start taking better care of my body. I asked him if he had any suggestions, and he said, “Well, you could start by treating your body like a temple.” I replied, “But doc, I’ve always thought of my body more as a used car dealership. It’s got a lot of miles on it, and it’s starting to show its age, but it’s still got some life left in it.”