Why do some people say that love is like a garden? Because every time you think you’ve finally gotten rid of all the weeds, you find another one popping up, just like how you think you’ve moved on from an ex, but then they show up in your dreams.

I once heard that the key to a successful marriage is good communication. So, I tried to talk to my wife about it, but it turns out she’s been communicating just fine with her lawyer, discussing how to split our assets.

My friend asked me if I believed in reincarnation, and I said, “Of course! I’ve seen so many people come back to life after they’ve been dumped.” He laughed and said, “Yeah, and I’ve seen others turn into zombies, constantly trying to get their ex back.”

They say that laughter is the best medicine, but I’ve found that a good dose of sarcasm can also work wonders. When life gives you lemons, just tell it to keep them because you’re allergic to citrus fruits.

I’ve always wondered why people say that time heals all wounds. If that’s the case, then why do some people still hold grudges against their high school bullies decades later? Maybe time just needs to work on its customer service skills.

My neighbor’s dog is so lazy that I’m pretty sure it’s a distant cousin of a sloth. Every time I see it, I want to take it to the vet and ask for a prescription for some motivation pills.