I asked a tree why it was always so calm even during storms. The tree replied, “I’ve rooted myself in patience. Unlike humans who uproot their lives over the slightest breeze of change.”

My friend told me he was going bankrupt. I suggested he start sleeping in a coffin to save money on a bed. He said that’s a grave idea.

I met a guy who said he was a professional procrastinator. I told him he should put that on his resume… eventually. He said he’ll get right on it, in a few years.

Some people say laughter is the best medicine. But if that were true, comedians would be out of a job because everyone would be healthy. Meanwhile, I’m still waiting for the doctor to prescribe me a daily dose of stand-up specials.