My friend asked me if I believed in reincarnation. I told him, “Of course! Every time I eat a hot dog, I feel like I’m devouring the soul of a thousand tiny pigs. They’re screaming for mercy, but I just add more mustard to drown out the noise.”

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw a man collapse from a heart attack. Being the quick-thinking citizen that I am, I immediately rushed over and started fanning him with a pizza menu I found nearby. After all, everyone knows that pizza is the key to a healthy heart.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to break up because I never take her seriously. I responded, “That’s ridiculous! I take you very seriously, just like I take the idea of a giant invisible dragon living in my basement seriously. It’s not my fault you can’t see the logic in that.”

I went to the doctor the other day and he told me I had a terrible case of the flu. I told him, “Doc, I think you’re overreacting. I feel fine, and besides, the flu is just nature’s way of telling me I need to take a break and catch up on my favorite reality TV shows. Who needs medicine when you have drama and scandal at your fingertips?”